Challenges
by Autumn-is-beautiful
Summary: A series about the crazy competitions Gai challenges his eternal rival, Kakashi, to. Be prepared for Kakashi wearing Gai's jumpsuit, acrobatic calligraphy, spoons, hula-hoops, dressing in drag, and more insanity.
1. ramen

Disclaimer: The Naruto franchise belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, not me.

* * *

Gai strode through Konoha, pride in his step. Today was the day that he was going to beat Kakashi, his eternal rival. He could feel it! Now, if only he knew what to challenge Kakashi to this time. _If I can't think of a challenge by noon, I will hop on one foot up to the top of Hokage monument and back down five times! _Gai thought long and hard. The first idea that came to his mind was to challenge Kakashi to a battle, but he had already done that. Repeatedly. And the result was always the same. Gai could never beat Kakashi's sharingan, no matter how youthful he was feeling.

He wandered the streets, trying to dredge up an idea from his brain. But his thoughts were interrupted by youthful calls he recognized as Naruto's. The boy had a youthful voice and attitude. Now if only he would wear a youthful green jumpsuit. Gai couldn't understand why others made faces and strange comments about it. He was sure that if Kakashi wore one people would think it was "cool." Hmm, maybe he could make up a challenge involving his beloved bodysuit. His thoughts were interrupted once more by "youthful cries."

"Hey, Choji! I bet I can eat more bowls of ramen than you!"

"Ha ha! I can eat way more than you!"

"Yeah? Whoever has the most empty bowls at the end wins!"

Gai's eyes lit up. He could challenge Kakashi to a ramen-eating contest!

* * *

Kakashi was enjoying his time off. There was a light breeze, and Icha Icha was as good as ever. He sighed contentedly as he turned the page, only to have the tranquility of his day shattered. "My eternal rival! Let us prove our youthfulness with another challenge!" Gai cried, smiling from ear to ear and holding out a thumbs up.

Kakashi sighed again, dejectedly. Was it really too much to ask for, one day of peace with no shouts about youth or crazy challenges?

Gai continued, oblivious to his rival's lack of enthusiasm. "I challenge you to a ramen eating contest! The person with the most empty bowls wins!"

Kakashi smirked. This was going to be easy. "You're paying." He informed the exuberant ninja.

"Of course! Now, let us prove our youthfulness!"

They arrived at Ichiraku's, and explained to the owner to keep the bowls coming. Gai raised his chopsticks in salute to Kakashi before plunging them into the noodles and practically inhaling them. Kakashi dug in at a more leisurely pace, sure that he would win. After all, Gai had said that the person with the most empty bowls was the winner right? He had never said anything about the person who ate the most bowls of ramen being the winner. Instead of stuffing himself, Kakashi ate his fill, then proceeded to transform chopsticks into empty bowls.

In the end, Kakashi was pleasantly full, and had one more empty bowl in his teetering stack than his rival, who was looking a little green in the face. "You win again." Gai said, rather unenthusiastically. Kakashi patted him on the back. "Why don't you pay, then we can go to the hospital. I'm sure they'll have something for your stomach."

Kakashi inwardly shook his head as he half carried his rival to the hospital. Would Gai never learn to stop challenging him to these ridiculous competitions? Unfortunately, he knew the answer. Probably never. Kakashi had a brief vision of Gai as an old man, his hair white with age, leaning on a cane, still proclaiming the wonders of youth and challenging him win the competition this time. Sigh.

* * *

A/N: If anyone has ideas for crazy challenges they want me to do, let me know, and I might put them in.


	2. date with the nurse

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, it belongs to Masashi Kishimoto

* * *

Kakashi withheld a sigh as Gai's eyes lit up. That meant another "youthful challenge" was coming. He wasn't even out of the hospital yet from the eating contest.

"Kakashi, my youthful rival! Have you seen the pretty nurse?"

Said rival shook his head, not looking up from his orange book. Maybe if he didn't look at him, Gai would lose interest. It had never worked before, but there was a first time for everything, right?

"Well, I think our next challenge should be to see which of us can get a date with the pretty lady."

Kakashi shrugged. Frankly, he didn't think Gai had a chance. Konoha's "Green beast" never could understand why he didn't have much of a chance with women. Kakashi, however, could understand. Most were probably frightened away by his "youthfulness." It would be a rare woman who wouldn't be scared away by loud proclamations of undying love from a complete stranger, especially one wearing a green bodysuit. Kakashi felt sorry for the nurse, but if he didn't agree to the challenge, Gai would never let it drop. He shrugged his agreement. "Sure."

When said nurse arrived in the room to check on her patient, she found him sitting up, beaming from ear to ear. "My beautiful, youthful flower! Your radiance is beyond comprehension! I will protect you with my dying breath! Please accept my heartfelt adoration and accompany me on a date on Friday!

The nurse looked at him, wide eyed, and started backing away slowly, reaching for the doorknob behind her. Opening the door, she turned around and fled, shutting the door behind her forcefully. She was leaning on the wall outside his room, trying to get her heart rate back under control when Kakashi strolled out, looking as calm as ever.

"I apologize for Gai's behavior. He can be a little … exuberant sometimes. I hope he didn't scare you too badly?" Kakashi asked in a smooth voice that held just a bit of concern.

She managed a wan smile. "I was just surprised."

"He's nothing if not surprising."

"Is he … _always_ like _that_?" she asked hesitantly.

"Unless he's asleep, normally."

She shook her head slightly, still a little shocked by his passionate speech.

"Look, I feel sorry for the way Gai surprised you. Maybe I could make it up to you by taking you out to dinner sometime?"

She looked him over. His mask and covered eye didn't take away from his attractiveness, just added to his air of mystery, she decided. "Sure. I'd like that."

"Where would you like to go?"

* * *

A/N: If anyone has ideas for crazy challenges they want me to do, let me know, and I might put them in.

Shadow. , your idea will be in the next chapter.


	3. phone numbers and diapers

This chapter is thanks to **Shadow. 00. Exia **who gave me the idea for it.

Disclaimer: In case you missed the first two disclaimers, I want to inform you that I do not own the Naruto franchise. Thank you for your attention, now on to the story.

* * *

"You got a date with the nurse?" Gai squawked. His jaw continued to open and close in disbelief even after he finished speaking, something Kakashi found rather amusing. He looked like a fish on land, gasping for water.

"Yeah. I brought you a picture."

Gai held up the picture his rival handed him. It showed a silver haired man wearing a mask over the lower portion of his face and the pretty nurse sitting at a table in a busy restaurant. "That was just a fluke! I wow women with my youthful charm!"

Kakashi raised his visible eyebrow. "Is that another challenge?"

"Yes!"

"Alright. Whoever can get the phone numbers of the most kunoichi of our age by tomorrow wins, and the other has to admit that the winner has more charm."

"YOSH! I will get all the phone numbers!" Gai sped off in a cloud of dust. Kakashi just shook his head. He had no doubts as to who would win this contest. Hadn't he just proved that he did much better with the ladies than his rival?

* * *

"I got two phone numbers!" Gai crowed in delight. "May youthfulness prevail!"

"Who's did you get?" Kakashi asked lazily.

"Anko's,"

"I'm pretty sure that just about anyone could get Anko's number. She's been charged with public indecency a few times for that "shirt" of hers. And she's easy to bribe if there's a dango stand around."

"Well, I also got Kurenai's number!"

"I asked her for her number, but she said if I wanted it I had to be willing to change her kid's stinky diapers. I _don't_ do dirty diapers. Even to win a challenge."

"But you could have been a shining example of the youth of fatherhood!"

"I told you I don't do diapers. But I'm guessing you do, since you have Kurenai's number."

"Yosh!"

"Did you get any others?" Kakashi asked lazily. He already knew the answer (no). He was actually surprised that Gai managed to get two phone numbers.

"Two is a youthful number!"

Kakashi smirked. "I got three."

"Manly" tears started pouring down Gai's face as he exclaimed about the vibrancy of his eternal rival's youth.

Kakashi backed away slightly. He didn't do manly tears any more than he did dirty diapers. "Don't you want to know who I got numbers from?"

Gai stopped crying. "Who are your youthful lotus blossoms?"

"Well, I got Anko's number, obviously, and Shizune's, and Hana's."

"Hana who?"

"Inuzuka. Kiba's older sister."

Gai started crying manly tears of youth again, and Kakashi slipped away. Manly tears might be contagious, and Kakashi didn't want to catch any. They would ruin his "cool" image. Not to mention that it was harder for Gai to challenge his rival if he couldn't find him. Kakashi intended to be very hard to find. Not that the challenges weren't amusing, but he had been neglecting his precious Icha Icha recently. There was no acceptable excuse for neglecting the excuisitely written classics. None at all.

* * *

A/N: If anyone has ideas for crazy challenges they want me to do, let me know, and I might put them in.


	4. date night fail

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, though I have a wonderful helper for this story in Shadow. 00. Exia

* * *

"Ah, there you are my eternal rival! I have found you at long last! I promised myself that I would do one hundred push-ups on my thumbs if I couldn't find you before three o'clock!"

"It's three fifteen now."

"Argh! Stay right there!" Gai fell to the floor and pushed himself up in his thumbs. "One, two, three…"

When he got to one hundred, Kakashi was gone again. "My youthful rival! I will find you in the next hour or I will do five hundred crunches!" Gai howled at the sky. Kakashi merely flipped the page in his infamous orange book. He couldn't avoid Gai forever, but he could enjoy the momentary peace.

* * *

"Ah, there you are, my eternal rival!"

"That's what you said last time."

Gai frowned, obviously trying to think. Kakashi buried his nose in his book again.

"Well, you keep running off, so I keep having to look for you."

Kakashi ignored him, giggling slightly, totally engrossed in Icha Icha.

"Even if you got more phone numbers, quality is better than quantity!" Gai called.

Kakashi raised one half-open eye lazily. "Is that another challenge?" _That's the fourth in two days. He needs to get a life. Maybe I should introduce him to the wonderful world of Icha Icha. But knowing him, he would insult the classics, complaining that there are no youthful fight scenes._

"Yes!"

Kakashi sighed. "Fine. Since we both have Anko's phone number, we can see who can go more dates before being dumped."

"Yes! I will prove my fiery spirit of youth to my youthful lotus blossom!"

Kakashi flipped another page. At least this would keep Gai out of his hair for a little while. Though considering Gai's skills with women, it might be fairly short. Kakashi would be surprised if Anko didn't dump him on the first date.

* * *

Kakashi opened his door carefully, kunai in hand, sharingan uncovered. He sighed when he saw who was at his door in the middle of the night. "Gai. What are you doing here at _this_ hour?"

Gai continued crying manly tears as he attempted to embrace Kakashi. "Anko dumped me!"

Kakashi backed away desperately. Being hugged by a crying Gai was not high on his list of things he wanted to do. "What did you do? This was only the first date."

"I just asked if all the extra weight on her chest ever pulled her off balance during a battle! I was curious! Fighting is a youthful way to show one's youth!"

"For future reference, it's best not to mention a woman's breasts on the first date."

"But an enthusiasm for battles is youthful!"

"And I suspect your constant screaming about youth didn't help."

"But,"

"And did you wear your bodysuit to the date?"

"Yes! It symbolizes my youthful spirit!"

"You might want to wear something normal, the next time you go on a date. It tends to go over better with the ladies. And did you bring her any dango?"

"No. Was I supposed to?"

"It's Anko. Dango is her currency. No wonder she dumped you. How long was your date?"

Gai hung his head. "Ten minutes."

Kakashi patted Gai on the back. "Maa. Don't take it too hard."

Gai started crying manly tears again, and Kakashi slammed the door in his face. He had done more than enough considering it was the middle of the night, and if Gai cried all over his shirt, he'd have to do laundry again. "Better luck with the next girl." He called out the window to the dejected Gai.

* * *

A/N: If anyone has ideas for crazy challenges they want me to do, let me know, and I might put them in.


	5. spoons

Head's up: from tomorrow morning until Sunday night, I won't have internet, so you may have to wait a bit for the next chapter. Sorry it's short, but I'm in the middle of packing.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. He belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

"My most youthful eternal rival!" Gai cried.

"I know, I know. You found me."

"I promised I would!"

"Let me guess, you want to challenge me again instead of letting me read Icha Icha."

"Doing nothing for fun besides reading those books is not youthful!"

"Hmm. Which challenge. Hmm. Since you say I'm not youthful, a silly challenge?"

"Yosh!"

"Okay. How about, the person who can balance the most spoons on their face wins?"

"I will prove my youth!" Gai disappeared in a cloud of dust.

Kakashi picked up his book again. Gai would be back. He always came back.

Sooner than Kakashi would have liked, Gai returned, clutching two fistfuls of spoons.

"You can go first." Kakashi offered.

With exaggerated care, Gai tilted his head back and placed one spoon on his nose. Then one on each cheek. One on his chin. Then he tried to put one on his forehead and it slipped off. "Four!" Gai called triumphantly. "Four is a youthful number!"

"Hmm." Kakashi picked a spoon and looked at it meditatively. He stuck one on his nose, one on each cheekbone, one on his chin, and then stuck one to his forehead, and it stayed. "Five is a more youthful number." Kakashi informed his rival.

Then he reached up a hand to remove the spoons. They wouldn't come off. He pulled, and his mask stretched to the point of ripping, but remained glued to the spoon. Kakashi turned to Gai, his uncovered eye no longer amused.

Gai waved his hands back and forth in front of him. "I swear it wasn't me! I would never do something so un-youthful!" Kakashi still glared. He wasn't about to remove his mysterious mask, and the last spoon was glued to the skin of his forehead. "Those were the spoons that I borrowed from Naruto!"

"Why would you ever borrow spoons from Naruto?" Kakashi asked, voice dangerous.

"I didn't have enough at my house for our challenge!"

"I'm going to kill him."

"Just be happy that you won our youthful challenge!"

Kakashi turned his attention back to the green-clad jounin. "Do I have to get you as well?"

"No!"

"I'm going to kill him. 'Youthfully.' Care to listen to his 'youthful' screams?"

"N-no. I'm fine here."

Kakashi disappeared, and Gai sent up a prayer for the blonde prankster. He was going to need all the prayers he could get. As amusing as the copy-nin looked with spoons glued to his face and mask, Kakashi was not amused.


	6. a thousand years of death

Disclaimer: News flash! I just bought the rights to Naruto! Just Kidding. Naruto still belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, and I'm sure I'm not rich enough to actually buy it.

* * *

Kakashi stopped outside Naruto's apartment. Gai had borrowed the spoons from here, so the prankster's trail should start here. Kakashi bit his thumb and slammed it into the ground. A spider web of symbols sped across the ground and a small brown dog appeared in a puff of smoke. "Yes?" Pakkun asked, sounding bored, then did a double-take. "Why do you have spoons stuck to your face? I always thought humans were crazy for having a whole concept called fashion, but isn't this crazy even for fashion?"

Kakashi glared at his ninken. "This isn't a fashion statement. This is Naruto's doing, that's why I need you to find him. I'm sure he's hiding after pulling a prank like that."

"Right." Pakkun stuck his nose to the ground and snuffled, before wandering around, looking for the scent. He went all around the apartment before returning to Kakashi's feet. "He didn't leave by walking." He informed his master.

"It figures he would leave by way of the roof. He's not dumb."

Pakkun gave him an incredulous look, clearly wondering if his master had completely lost his sanity. Or what little was still left.

"He's not dumb when it comes to pranks." Kakashi qualified.

Pakkun still looked skeptical, but he dutifully lowered his nose to the roof tiles, and picking up the scent of ramen, followed it, jumping from roof to roof, his master following. "It looks like he's heading for the forest. If he really wasn't dumb, you'd think he'd stay in Konoha where there would be witnesses."

Kakashi just sped on after his dog, mind focused on the pursuit of his prey. He poured more chakra into his feet, flashing through the trees at an even greater speed. After a few minutes, he saw a flash of orange through the trees ahead. His prey was in view. "Thank you, Pakkun. I don't need you anymore."

The little dog vanished in another puff of smoke, giving one last pitying look to the figure in orange.

"Naruto." Kakashi called forcefully. "You put glue on the spoons."

The prankster turned, trying to keep his features apologetic, but seeing the spoons on Kakashi's face, he couldn't keep his face from breaking into a grin at his handiwork. But seeing the murderous glare coming from Kakashi's one uncovered eye, he quickly formed a handsign and cried "Shadow clone jutsu!" Nine other Narutos joined the one grinning at Kakashi. "What'cha going to do now?"

Kakashi used the same handsigns, and nine Kakashi's sprouted. "A thousand years of death!" they all cried, and all ten Narutos flew into the air, nine disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Kakashi headed back to his apartment, trying to figure out how to unglue the spoon stuck to his forehead. The ones attached to the mask were no problem. He had plenty of masks, but the one on his forehead was the one that would be a problem. Sighing, he headed for town, wondering which store might sell something to remove it. But first he cast a henge of himself with no spoons. No way was he going to walk into town with spoons stuck to his face. It would completely ruin his 'cool' image.

* * *

A/N; If anyone has ideas for challenges, I'm open to suggestions.


	7. hula hoops

A/N: Happy birthday little brother, this one's for you! It's extra-long, and extra-ridiculous.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

Kakashi sat bolt upright in his bead, both eyes flying open before his sharingan eye closed as he recognized the voice reverberating off of the walls. "MY MOST YOUTHFUL ETERNAL RIVAL! LET US REAFFIRM OUR YOUTH AT THIS GLORIOUS HOUR WITH ANOTHER COMPETITION! I, MAITO GAI, KONOHA'S NOBLE BLUE BEAST CHALLENGE YOU TO A HULA-HOOP COMPETITION!" Gai roared at the top of his lungs. Kakashi groaned. This wasn't a glorious hour; the sun wasn't even up yet. He debated burying his ears in his pillow and ignoring the maniac outside his window, but knew that it was Gai, and he wasn't likely to give up any time soon. In fact, Kakashi was pretty sure that 'give up' wasn't in the man's vocabulary. The only way to effectively deal with Konoha's green spandex-clad nutcase was to humor him. Kakashi groaned again as he heaved himself out of bed reluctantly. Hula hoops it was.

"Hold your horses, Gai." Kakashi called as his rival began repeating his earlier monologue at the top of his lungs. "I'm coming."

As the sun finished its descent below the horizon, Kakashi wondered yet again why _he_ had to be the unlucky one that Gai had chosen as his rival. What had he ever done to deserve this? Here he was, in the middle of the clearing, keeping a bright pink hula hoop going round and round. Why did Gai only have pink hula hoops? And why did his students have to show up to cheer their sensei on? Wasn't it already embarrassing enough? Then he caught another look at the maniac beside him and decided that nothing could be more embarrassing than Gai, who was spinning madly in a circle, a whole fleet of pink hula hoops around his waist attempting to create their own tornado. And from the middle of the circle came many cries about youth and quite a few manly tears.

"Go Kaka-sensei! You can do it!" Naruto yelled, trying to be louder than Gai. Kakashi winced. If anyone could possibly be louder than Gai, it was Naruto.

"Gai-sensei! Your youth will prevail in this youthful competition!" Lee yelled in encouragement, trying to out-do Naruto in terms of volume. Kakashi winced again. And if there was anyone who could possibly be louder than Naruto, it was Rock Lee. He let his pink hula hoop drop to the ground. He'd had enough of Gai, enough of all the yelling, and enough stupid pink hula hoops. He had lasted from before sunrise until sunset. That was enough for his pride even if he didn't win.

"Gai-sensei, you did it!" Lee cried, manly tears of pride pouring down his face.

"Ah, but hula hooping is a valuable way to train!" Gai cried, never letting the whirling band of pink slow down. "I shall hula hoop for two more days!" he boasted. "And if I cannot, I will do 100 push-ups on my thumbs!"

"Your youthful training methods never cease to amaze me!" Lee cried enthusiastically as he dashed off to get his own hot pink hula hoops.

Kakashi slipped away, unnoticed. He needed a drink. And preferably a way to get rid of his maniac of a rival.

The Hokage blinked once, twice, three times. No, the picture didn't change. There was still a green blur spinning around the office, a bright pink swath circling around it and clashing with the orange leg warmers. Sigh. "Gai. You are being sent on a C-rank mission with your team. This will provide them with some experience." A file folder was handed over, and Gai managed to grab it while still keeping the garish pink hoops going. He saluted and gave his blinding smile before spinning out of the office calling "Never fear, my team will prove our youthfulness with this mission. And if I cannot continue spinning the hula hoop for another day-and-a-half, I have promised to do 100 push-ups on my thumbs!" A sigh and a slight shake of the head was his only response.

The intruder's eyes widened. He had known that Konoha would send someone to get rid of him, but he was expecting someone … sane. The appearance of that ... eyesore ... threw him completely off balance. Then he shifted into his attack stance. It didn't matter if his opponent had no fashion sense and was spinning several pink hula hoops frantically. He smirked slightly. It shouldn't be that hard to get rid of the idiot. He threw a kunai, only to watch in surprise as it was deflected by the whirling pink band. Well, I guess that's one use for a hula hoop. He threw another one, this time aiming above the band, but his opponent disappeared and appeared behind him. The intruder ducked as a powerful kick sailed over his head. He barely had time to dodge the blows, having to remain on the defensive and losing ground steadily. When he backed up to the edges of the clearing, he suddenly found himself flying through the air, a moment later, pain throbbed through his skull belatedly.

"Gai-sensei! Did you see my kick?" Lee cried enthusiastically. "Your hula hoop training really works! My momentum from spinning it really helped power up my spinning kick!"

Neji and Tenten turned their eyes away from the crazy pair from their position in the bushes as backup. "What did we ever do to deserve getting put on a team with _those_ two?" Tenten inquired mournfully. Neji just shook his head sadly. He had asked himself the same question many, many times already.

"Come my youthful students! We will make it back to the village by sundown!" Gai called.

"But that's impossible!" Tenten protested.

"Anything is possible with the power of youth!" Lee defended his teacher. "I will do it while spinning backwards! And if I can't, I will scrub every inch of the Hokage rock face with only the tip of my pinky finger until it gleams!"

"That's my youthful student!" Gai cried as the two maniacs sped off.

Neji and Tenten just shook their heads before starting off at a more sedate pace. There really was no doubt that their teacher and teammate were both crazy. Stark raving mad.

* * *

A/N: If anyone has ideas for competitions between these two, let me know and I might put them in.


	8. alphabet

A/N: sorry I haven't updated in a while. If any of you have been reading Most Troublesome, you know that I have been in the middle-of-nowhere, Maine with no internet doing physical labor that disguised itself as an internship, but I will update when I occasionally run across a wi-fi signal out here (In other words, when I have to do laundry and can use the signal in the laundromat).

Disclaimer: In case anyone forgot, I do not own Naruto.

* * *

"Gai, why were you watching my team's practice?"

"Learning another team's strategies is a youthful way to pass time!"

"And why did you need to pass time?"

"I was waiting until I could challenge you to another competition."

"What's the challenge this time?"

Gai blinked in surprise. "Don't you remeber? It's your turn to pick our youthful challenge."

"Right." Kakashi stared off into the space beside Gai's head. "Hmm. How about whoever can repeat the alphabet backwards faster?"

"What a splendid idea, my youthful eternal rival!" He pulled out a stopwatch. "Who should go first?"

"You can." Kakashi told him graciously, taking the stopwatch. "Ready, set, go."

"z, y, x, w, v, u, v, -"

"You said 'v' twice." Kakashi interrupted.

"V is a very youthful letter. It stands for victory!"

"Fine, we'll start over. And you have to say each letter only once, and in the right order, as fast as you can."

"z, y, x, w, v, u, v, -"

"Gai! You said 'v' twice again. You automatically lose."

"But you haven't said the alphabet yet." Gai reasoned. "How do I know that you can say the alphabet backwards correctly?"

"zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba. There."

Gai suddenly lunged at Kakashi who leapt backwards.

"I have told you before, Gai. You do not need to give me a manly hug of congratulations every time I win a competition."

"Okay." Kakashi raised a hand to shield his eyes as his 'eternal rival' held his thumb up and gave blinding smile number 7. "You may have won this round, Kakashi, but I will win tomorrow's! And if I cannot, I will eat twenty Habanero peppers and not drink anything!"

Kakashi just pulled out his ever-present orange book and ambled away, his masked nose buried in the pages.


	9. love is like curry

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto owns Gai, Kakashi, Konoha, Anko, etc.

* * *

Gai sat at his kitchen table, lost in thought. Today was his turn to challenge Kakashi to a competition, and he had to come up with a good one. Twenty habanero peppers were on the line. He stared at the bowl in front of him, when it came to him. He shoveled the curry into his mouth and dashed out the door to find his rival.

"Kakashi! I have finally found you!" Gai cried.

Kakashi looked up from the well-worn orange book on his lap. Just as he opened his mouth to say something to Gai, the door of the store he was sitting outside of opened and the owner stepped out, an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry, sir, but I simply cannot let you sit out here until the shipment arrives. When the new Icha Icha book gets here, we will call you immediately."

"I will hold you to that." Kakashi told the man as he stood reluctantly and turned away from the store. "Well, what is the challenge this time, Gai?"

"I just had the best idea! Love is like curry! I could write the perfect love letter. We will see which of us can write a better one! If I lose I will eat 20 habanero peppers!"

Kakashi almost laughed. Of course he could beat Gai at a love letter writing competition if his rival was writing about how love was like curry. "Sure. And if I lose, I'll eat 20 habanero peppers." Because there was no way he could lose. "Who should be the judge of our letters?"

"How about Anko? We used her as the judge of the last competition in the youthful art of love."

"Fine, but you're buying the dango."

* * *

Kakashi stared off into space. He couldn't concentrate on the letter. All he could think of was the brand new Icha Icha book that would be his in a matter of hours. Without his full attention, his hand began moving across the page, writing the letter.

* * *

"Anko, will you do a favor for us?"

"Do you have dango?" Kakashi held out a stick. "What do you want?"

"We want you to judge our youthful competition!"

She rolled her eyes. "What is it this time?"

"All you have to do is read these two letters and decide which is better. The loser has to eat twenty habanero peppers." Kakashi explained.

She eyed the letters suspiciously as she pulled another dumpling off the stick and chewed it. She shrugged and unfolded Gai's letter and began to read it aloud. "_Dear eternal beauty and object of my youthful passion, __I vow to protect you with my dying breath and follow you to the ends of the earth. You are the light of my life, my purpose for existence. You are the curry to my rice: the sweet-yet-spicy fire of youth gently supported by the strong, steady foundation of rice. Together we can burn brighter and hotter like my famous volcano chili, guaranteed to give anyone third degree burns in their mouths. Let us proclaim our youthful passion to the world. Let us burn brighter than anyone else, enlightening the world with our youthful flames, my youthful blossom. Your eternal protector, Maito Gai, Konoha's handsome blue devil"_ Anko looked up, still biting her lip to keep from laughing. "Well, Kakashi, shall we read yours?" She unfolded the second paper and began again. "_Your gorgeous body reminds me of Miku's __from the best of books ever written, Icha Icha. Have you read this wonderful book? Let me be your Kakeru__. Read page 58, if you know what I mean. Let us…_" Anko stopped. "There's no way I'm reading this aloud, you pervert. As much as it pains me to say it, Gai actually has a better letter. His is weird, but at least not perverted. You lose, Kakashi. Now eat the peppers."

With an expression befitting someone walking to their execution, Kakashi slowly brought the pepper to his mouth. He stuffed the pepper in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed as fast as he could, while the exposed skin of his face changed from pale to bright red.

"Only 19 more to go." Anko smirked. This might even be better than the dango.


	10. house of cards

A/N: Two of the other interns that I'm sharing a house with at the moment have been bitten by the competitive bug, so I have been getting some good ideas for this story from them. Though thankfully neither of them shouts about youth constantly.

Disclaimer: Don't sue me because I don't own and never will own Naruto. I just borrow the characters and use them to (hopefully) entertain people (I don't make any money off of these stories).

* * *

"So it's my turn to choose a competition, right?" Kakashi asked.

Gai looked at his rival with an expression that reminded Kakashi of a dog that's just desperately waiting for you to throw that stick. Or, in this case, desperately waiting for Kakashi to issue a challenge.

"How about this," Kakashi paused just to torture his rival.

"How about what? What is your youthful challenge?"

"How about whoever can build the biggest house of cards without knocking it down?"

"What a youthful idea! I will go find some cards to use!"

"Just don't get any from Naruto." Kakashi warned, remebering the 'spoon incident.'".

Gai returned soon, balancing teetering stacks of boxes full of cards in his arms. "Do you think these will be enough?"

"I'm sure that will be plenty."

Four hours, the two "houses" of cards were bordering on being bustling metropolises, complete with skyscrapers, and the once-massive pile of unused cards was almost used up. Just as they were beginning to wonder what they would do when they ran out of cards, Naruto showed up.

"Hey, Kaka-sensei! Whatcha doin'?"

"What does it look like we are doing?" Kakashi inquired mildly.

Naruto opened his mouth to answer, but Gai beat him to it. "We are engaging in the most youthful completion of building a house cards! The first person to knock theirs over loses!"

Naruto scrunched up his face in puzzlement. "I dunno. They look kinda big for just houses. Maybe you should say 'mansion' of cards or something." He watched them build for a few moments until they ran out of cards. "Whatcha going to –" he suddenly stopped talking. "Ah-ah-achoo!" he was bent double with the force of his sneeze, and the cards flew everywhere and it almost looked like it was snowing.

"NOOOO!" Gai howled.

Naruto scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "Sorry about that. I haven't quite gotten over my cold, I guess."

"I guess it's a tie, then." Kakashi remarked. "It didn't look like it was going to end any time soon, anyways." He turned to the sheepish blonde. "Shall we see your teammates are around to train?"

Gai mournfully watched the last cards slowly float to the ground as the pair walked off. Then he seemed to snap out of his reverie. "We may have tied this time, but I will win next time, my most youthful eternal rival!" he howled.

Kakashi sighed.

"Kaka-sensei, do you want to hide from him tomorrow at my house again?" Naruto asked.

"Yes."

"Awesome! We can have a ramen party!"

"Actually, I just remembered, I have some reports I have to deliver tomorrow."

"Aww, Kaka-sensei." Naruto whined. "You never eat ramen with me."

"Sorry. Duty calls."

"You always say that!" Naruto pouted.

"That doesn't mean it's not true."

The blonde pouted for a moment before he suddenly perked up. "Hey, maybe Sakura could come to my ramen party!"

"Maybe." Kakashi didn't think the boy had as much of a chance as a snowball in an Uchiha's fireball jutsu, but how could he tell the excited boy that?

"I'm going to go ask her right now!" He dashed off, grinning wide enough to split his face in half.

Kakashi just shook his head. Where did that boy get his eternal optimism?


	11. I'm you and you're me

A/N: I forgot to keep saying that requests for specific challenges are always welcome. I may not get to all of them, but feel free to send me them, and I'll try. This goes for all future chapters as well, in case I forget again. This chapter's challenge was a request from Woodlandfairykirk.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gai, Kakashi, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Tenten, Neji, Lee, Konoha... you get the picture.

* * *

"I have come up with a magnificent, youthful challenge!" Gai crowed.

Kakashi didn't look up from his ever-present book.

"Did you hear, my most youthful rival?"

"I heard you the first time."

"The challenge is this: You must be me for the day, and I must be you, without a henge!"

"How is this competition to be judged?" Kakashi asked, hoping that Gai would have no answer and have to pick a different challenge.

"Hmm." Gai rubbed his chin in thought.

Kakashi had to stifle a laugh at the picture of Gai, lost in thought. _I wonder if his mind will ever find its way back?_

"Ah! I have it!"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, not deigning to vocalize a response.

"We will ask every person we encounter to rate our performance from one to ten!"

Kakashi sighed.

"Now, I must get you a youthful green jumpsuit, and you must get me a mask!"

Sigh. Was it too much to ask to be left to read Icha Icha in peace? Apparently.

* * *

Kakashi leapt out in front of his team, dressed in a green bodysuit, complete with orange legwarmers, and flashed a brilliant smile while holding his thumb up. "I am Maito Gai, Konoha's noble blue beast!"

Naruto doubled over in laughter.

Sakura leapt into the air, screaming for Sasuke to defend her.

Sasuke glowered, eye twitching.

When they got hold of themselves once again, they had one question: "Why don't you take off your mask if you're Gai?"

Kakashi glared. There was no way he was going to take off his mask after all these years just because of a stupid challenge.

* * *

Elsewhere in Konoha:

"I wonder where Gai-sensei is?" Tenten murmured to Neji. "He's never late."

Neji stared off into space, showing no sign that he heard his teammate's musings.

Gai dropped down from the tree next to them, a mask stretched over half his face, his hitai ate fallen over one eye, a grey wig perched at a strange angle upon his head, and a book in his hand.

Neji's eye twitched.

"Gai-sensei! What a youthful expression of Kakashi-san!" lee crowed.

Tenten stared in confusion. "Are you really supposed to be Kakashi?"

"I am the copy-nin, Kakashi Hatake!"

"But, your wig is curly, you're shouting, and the book you're reading is Great Battle Tactics, not Icha Icha."

"Icha Icha is not as youthful a book as Great Battle Tactics!"

Tenten rolled her eyes.

"So how would you rate my performance as Kakashi?"

* * *

Gai trooped back to the meeting place, looking dejected. Kakashi, was as ever: late.

When he finally showed up, Gai greeted him. "Ah, Kakashi, how did your students rate you?"

"They gave me a three. They were very harsh with the grading when I wouldn't take my mask off. How about you?"

"Lee gave me a nine, but Neji and Tenten both gave me a zero."

"So we tied, again."

"Great!" Kakashi sped off to get rid of the ridiculous green bodysuit. There was no way he was wearing that for one second longer than he had to.


	12. acrobatic calligraphy

A/N: This chapter's competition was suggested by Pheonixyfriend.

* * *

Gai stared at the shop window, awe-struck. It was so beautiful and youthful! The scroll had the words "The Will of Fire" gracefully etched in calligraphy. Gai wished that he could write so beautifully. He wondered if Kakashi could. That was it! He would challenge his rival to see who can write "The Will of Fire" in calligraphy better!

Gai furrowed his giant, hairy eyebrows in intense concentration. Carefully, he touched the calligraphy pen to the page, his hand jerking across the page despite his best efforts. He looked at his work critically, then crumpled the paper. If his hand wasn't graceful enough, maybe two hands would be. He carefully wrapped both hands around the tiny pen. The results were no better that time. Hmm, Maybe the problem was that his arm wasn't steady enough instead of the hand. He wrapped one hand around the pen, and the other hand around his arm. The results were even worse. Moving his writing hand by moving that arm with the other hand didn't work. Maybe, he thought, the problem was that his hand wasn't enough to support the arm properly. So this time, he twisted his leg up to rest his writing shoulder on, continuing to guide the writing arm with his other hand. The results were worse, and for all the youthfulness in the world, Gai couldn't figure out why.

Kakashi, on the other hand, had stopped trying to write his own paper, and was instead staring incredulously at his rival, who was trying to write while performing a strange series of contortions. Did Gai really think that resting his writing elbow on the opposite knee while guiding the forearm with his other hand would improve his calligraphy? Apparently not, because Gai soon tried lying on his side, moving his writing arm with his mouth which was clamped around the wrist, while the other hand moved his head. Nothing would stop him in his pursuit of youthfulness!

Kakashi shook his head. He needed to concentrate, if he didn't want Gai's horrendous attempts at calligraphy to win. Why didn't he use his Sharingan in the store? he asked himself. Then he would have been able to copy the graceful lines perfectly. Instead, his "calligraphy" looked like chicken scratch. On second look, it looked more like the tracks of a chicken which had only one leg and flopped around trying to keep its balance.

Meanwhile, Gai had decided that his hands weren't steady enough for calligraphy. After briefly trying to use his toes, which had even worse results, he decided that his mouth would have to do. Putting the pen in his mouth, Gai did a handstand. The results of writing with his mouth were at least _slightly _better than his attempts with his feet, meaning that someone _might_ be able to believe that the paper was supposed to have calligraphy on it, _if_ they had a really good imagination.

The alarm clock went. Time was up. They held up their best effort, and winced. Neither attempt was very good. In fact, neither was really legible, let alone graceful. "Do we really have to ask the owner of the calligraphy store to judge these?" Kakashi finally asked. He didn't want to become the village laughingstock. Scratch that. He didn't want to be laughed at more than he already was for the previous competitions.

"We must have him compare our youthful calligraphy!"

Youthful calligraphy? Kakashi wondered. Well, if by "youthful calligraphy" you meant calligraphy that looked like it was done by a toddler, then their calligraphy was definitely youthful. "How about you take these to the store then, Gai? I just remembered I have to turn in a mission report."

"I thought you turned your report in already." Gai sounded confused.

"I forgot to attach a document."

"Oh. Then you must make youthful haste to complete your assignment! Never fear, I, Maito Gai, Konoha's Noble Blue Beast will deliver these!"

"That's what I was afraid of." Kakashi muttered under his breath as Gai took off.


	13. drag part 1

A/N: The next few chapters will be one plotline, not a new challenge every chapter. It was just too perfect to cut short. And the idea came from the amazing phoenixyfriend.

Disclaimer: I know this must come as such a shock to all my readers, but it's true. I do not own the Naruto franchise.

* * *

Gai jumped in front of his rival, smile blinding, and thumb held up proudly. "My eternal rival! Our youthful challenges have reached new heights!"

Kakashi raised his one visible eyebrow.

"The Hokage herself has taken an interest in our competitions!"

Kakashi paled, his face bleaching of all color at an alarming rate. It was _never_ good when the Hokage was involved with non-official business. She was infamous for taking bets on shinobi's personal lives, and resorting to blackmail for her amusement when Shizune took away her sake and she claimed she had nothing else to entertain her. Kami forbid that she actually do paperwork.

"She has suggested that our next competition be a drag competition! What an amazingly youthful idea!"

"NO." Kakashi stated, putting as much force as he could into the words. "Absolutely not." There was NO way he was going to dress in drag with Gai. There was _nothing_ that Tsunade could threaten him with that would make him reconsider.

Gai's face fell. "But it is such a youthful competition." Gai pleaded.

"I said 'no,' and that's final." Kakashi fixed Gai with one last glare before disappearing in a swirl of leaves. He was _not_ in the mood to listen to Gai spout praise of dressing in drag. He shuddered at the thought. Just no. For the sake of his sanity (or what little was left), NO.

* * *

Gai slunk into the Hokage's office, head hanging, shoulders slumped, a picture of utter dejection.

"He refused, didn't he?" Tsunade asked in the same voice that she would use to comment about the weather.

Gai nodded his head mournfully.

"That was to be expected. Don't be so sad. I'll convince him." Tsunade cracked her knuckles, a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

Gai immediately perked up, excitement filling his face and leaving no trace of his previous depression. "I should have never doubted your youthful powers of persuasion!-"

"Go work on your costume." Tsunade cut him off. She needed Gai's monologue about youth like she needed Shizune taking away her sake. Besides, she had her work cut out for her convincing Kakashi to dress in drag.

* * *

Gai pranced into the dress store, and the cashier looked up from her magazine at the sound of the door, and promptly began choking in surprise. Gai immediately rushed over to the counter. "Are you alright?" He asked, concern filling his voice.

When the cashier finally regained her composure, she answered "I'm okay. Now were you looking for a present for someone?"

"No. I, Maito Gai, the noble blue beast of Konoha need a dress, for I will be competing in drag with my most youthful eternal rival!"

The cashier promptly began choking again. When she recovered again, she beat a hasty retreat, telling Gai to call her if he needed help with anything, and praying desperately that he wouldn't. Cross-dressing ninja's hadn't been a part of her job description.

Gai browsed the rack of dresses, examining each dress with a critical eye. Or, what would have been a critical eye if he had any fashion sense whatsoever. There were short dresses and long dresses, dresses in every color of the rainbow and every combination of color. There were simple dresses, there were fancy dresses. There were slender dresses, there were puffy dresses. The problem: where to start. Being the youthful person with no dignity that he was, Gai decided to take the whole rack to the dressing room.

The cashier remained intently staring at her magazine, determined not to notice anything. If she ignored Gai, she could pretend it never happened. There was no male ninja dressing in drag in her dressing room, or at least, that's what she told herself firmly. No ninja's in drag. No ninja's in drag. Absolutely none.

"THIS DRESS IS SO YOUTHFUL!" A very male, very loud voice proclaimed enthusiastically.

And there went denial. The evidence that there was a ninja in drag in the dressing room was overwhelming, and the poor cashier's sanity promptly fled.

* * *

The cashier looked at the clock on the wall. It read 4:43. She looked at her watch. It read the same time. That crazy ninja had been in the dressing room three hours! If he hadn't let out the more-than-occasional exclamation, she would have started wondering if he had died in there or something. What could he possibly be doing? Scratch that. She didn't really want to know. She was so focused on trying to forget her train of thoughts that she almost jumped out of her skin when the dressing room door banged open.

"I have found the perfect dress!"

The cashier carefully schooled her expression blank. "Would you like me to ring that up for you?" she asked, keeping a straight face with difficulty.

Gai placed a dress on the counter with a flourish. It was pink. Vividly pink. Floor length, with a puffy hem. And puffy, short sleeves. With a sweetheart neckline. And lace. And a bow around the middle. Could he have possibly picked a girlier dress? The cashier wondered, her face turning red with the effort of not laughing.

"Your total is…" she couldn't contain it any longer. Laughter burst out, badly disguised as a coughing fit. Eventually, she just pointed to the number displayed by the cash register, and Gai paid for his pink dress.

As he left, the cashier was still laughing/coughing. Gai's last thought leaving the dress shop was '_I hope that the cashier regains her youthful health soon, she seemed to be doing a lot of coughing.'_

* * *

Coming up: Tsunade blackmails Kakashi, and Gai goes looking for accessories.


	14. drag part 2

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, I just borrow the characters to torture them and entertain people. And the idea for this plotline belongs to phoenixyfriend. I also don't own the patent for superglue.

* * *

"Tsunade-sama wishes to see you." The Anbu stated.

Kakashi fought to keep his lips from twisting wryly under his mask. '_I bet she does. But no matter. I will not agree to this insane competition. No matter what. What's the worst she can do? Give me D-rank missions for a year? Boredom is better than utter humiliation._' He nodded to the Anbu.

* * *

"You wished to see me, Tsunade-sama." Kakashi stated in his best Anbu/robot voice.

"Yes. You can sit down, it's not about official business."

Kakashi remained standing where he was silently.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow.

"If I am not here about official business, then you have no authority over me."

"Ah, but I have blackmail."

"…"

"Remember when you came for your physical?"

"…"

"Remember that I made you take off the mask? Well, you wouldn't want me to tell everyone what is under the mask, would you?"

"…" Kakashi was not going to give her the pleasure of seeing him squirm.

"And if you don't agree to Gai's competition, I will also burn all of your Icha Icha books and forbid the store to sell you any more."

His silent, indifferent mask was broken. "You wouldn't." Not Icha Icha _and_ the mask!

Tsunade cracked her knuckles, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "Wanna try me?" she dared.

One dark grey eye locked gazes with brown as the seconds ticked by. Tick-tock. Tick-tock, Tick-tock…. Kakashi finally broke away. Damn that woman. Damn that woman and her infernal blackmail.

* * *

"Do you have these shoes in any larger size?" Gai asked.

The cashier looked up at the sound of a deep male voice, only to be confronted by a pair of pink ballet flats. He blinked. Then blinked again. Nothing changed. There was still a tall man, asking for a larger pair of pink shoes. "What size shoe does the person you're buying those for wear?"

"I wear a size 12 in men's."

"Yes, but what size shoe does the woman that you are shopping for wear?"

Gai blinked in confusion. "I want to buy these shoes to wear myself."

The cashier looked at the ninja like he had sprouted an extra head. An extra head that had hot-pink hair and was crossing its eyes, thumbing its nose, and sticking its tongue out. "You want to wear those shoes?" He asked, incredulous.

"Yes, what size would I need in women's?"

"If you wear a men's size 12, you would need a women's size 14." The cashier said hesitantly. "I'm sorry, but we don't carry women's shoes in that size. Perhaps you should try looking in the men's section."

Sigh. "But these shoes are so _youthful_."

* * *

Kakashi flopped down on his couch, pinching the bridge of his nose. What was he supposed to do now? He _really _wished Tsunade had never gotten involved in all of this. Make no mistake, he was going to figure out how to get her back, without getting in trouble, but in the meantime he had the headache known as a drag competition with Gai. Tsunade had told him that each of the contestants had to come up with their own costume. Kakashi didn't want to go out and buy a dress, but he didn't really want to wear the only dress he had. With a sigh, he hauled himself off of his couch in search of the dress, hoping that maybe the dress wasn't as he remembered it.

No such luck. Kakashi pulled out the black material. He had won the dress in an Icha Icha raffle, but for some reason, he had yet to find a female that was willing to put on the dress of the female lead in Icha Icha and do reenactments with him. When he had thought about a woman wearing the dress, it had seemed sexy. When he thought about himself wearing it, it seemed utterly revolting. The bottom of the dress was a very short skirt. The "top" was a black band attached at the hip that crossed diagonally across the torso, wrapping around the back of the neck, and crossing the torso the other direction to reattach at the other hip. The stomach, back, and most of the chest were left exposed, as well as most of the legs.

He pushed the "dress" away from him in disgust. There was _no_ way he was going to wear that. Damn. Now he had to find another dress and buy it. Even if he cast a henge in the store, it was going to be humiliating. Infernal woman and her damned blackmail.

* * *

Gai surveyed his handiwork with a critical eye. It looked just perfect to him. Of course, it looked hideous to everyone else, but that was beside the point. His "handiwork" was a pair of shoes. Or, at least, it was _supposed_ to be a pair of shoes. Since the store didn't have pink ballet flats in his size, Gai had decided to make his own. He had carefully put a plastic bag on each of his feet to protect them, then wrapped them in bandages, which he had doused in superglue.

The glue had finally set, so he tried to take off the "shoes." But they wouldn't come off. If he had thought his plan through, he would have realized that using bandages molded the "shoes" to his foot, and now that the glue set, the only way to get them off would to be to cut them off.

But Gai didn't have a better idea for shoes, so he decided to spray-paint them pink like he had originally been planning ,and just wear them until the competition.

_Shake. Shake. Splutter. Ssshhhkkkssshh_ went the can. Gai had spray painted his ankles pink and his kitchen floor as well as his shoes by accident, but it didn't seem to faze him. "I have pretty shoes as pink as the blossoms of youth!" he cried, doubtlessly traumatizing the neighbors even more. Well, what neighbors were left. For reasons that he couldn't figure out, several of the people living near his house had moved away soon after Gai moved in. It was very strange.

* * *

Coming up: Kakashi goes dress shopping, and Gai tries to learn about make-up.


	15. drag part 3

Disclaimer: The Naruto franchise belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. The idea for this arc belongs to phoenixyfriend. The idea for the drama at the dress shop came from LoveGuruGirl.

* * *

Kakashi swallowed hard, looking at the pastel pink sign in front of him, proclaiming the best dresses in Konoha. Even though he had cast a henge, he still felt dread clawing at the pit of his stomach. The great Hatake Kakashi, copy ninja of Konoha, famous in all the great lands, was scared of going into a dress shop. He swallowed again. On three, he told himself. One, two, two and a half, two and three quarters… He suddenly felt an arm settle around his shoulders. "Now, what is the great Hatake Kakashi doing disguised as a girl, standing in front of a dress shop talking to himself?" A feminine voice purred in Kakashi's ear in amusement.

"Anko." Kakashi grumbled. That was the problem with henges. They worked fine on civilians, but his chakra signature still felt like his to other ninjas. "Don't you have something else you need to be doing?" Kakashi asked hopefully.

She grinned evilly. "Nope. I can stay and help you pick out a dress for your drag competition with Gai."

Kakashi's gaze turned murderous.

Anko patted his cheek. "Don't look so angry. I'm sure you'd make a great girl if your henge is anything to go by." She looked him/her up and down.

Kakashi's gaze burned into her like a laser.

Anko didn't seem to notice. She was having way too much fun teasing him. "Well, are we ever going to go into the store, or are we going to stay out here forever?" Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed Kakashi's arm and yanked, sending the surprised ninja stumbling into the store.

"Good morning ladies. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I think we got it, thanks." Anko smiled at the cashier. "C'mon, Kaka-chan. I think there's some dresses back here you'd look fabulous in." She dragged the dumbfounded copy nin towards the back of the store.

When he finally got his brain working properly again he hissed "Did you just call me _'Kaka-chan_?'"

"Aww, you're cute when your face of your henge scrunches up like that."

Kakashi glared daggers, and seriously considered pulling out actual daggers to shut her up with.

Anko sighed. "You're no fun. I suppose you want me to stop humiliating you and help you pick out a dress."

"I would prefer if you just left."

"Well, how about we compromise? I'll stop humiliating you, and you'll let me help you pick out a dress."

Kakashi sighed. She had him backed into a corner. Knowing her, he would never get rid of her unless he gave into her crazy demands.

Anko clapped her hands, noting his silent grimace of agreement. "So, which dress do you want to try on first?"

* * *

Tenten didn't even blink when her sensei turned up on her doorstep at the crack of dawn, wearing his normal green bodysuit and orange legwarmers, but wearing hot pink … shoes? Oh well. This was nowhere near as strange as Gai was often. "Gai sensei." Tenten interrupted his enthusiastic monologue about the blossoming of youth.

"Tenten, my youthful pupil! I have challenged my eternal rival, Hatake Kakashi to a drag competition! Assist me in my youthful endeavor and teach me the youthful ways of makeup!"

This time, Tenten did blink in surprise. "You want me to teach you about _makeup_?"

"All women have mastered this youthful art, but alas, the mighty Gai, being the manliest of men, cannot have!"

Her voice was angry as she told him "You woke me up at this god-awful hour of the morning to make sexist remarks and be taught about makeup?"

Gai's face fell. "Is that a no?" he asked plaintively.

* * *

Kakashi gritted his teeth, and summoning all of his courage, turned the handle and stepped out of the dressing room. In a dress. Without his henge.

Anko burst out laughing. "Nope. Definitely not. Try this one instead."

"There's no way I'm wearing _that_." Kakashi practically spat out the last word.

"Well, how about this one?"

"No."

She brought out one dress after another, each of which Kakashi refused to try on.

Anko held up the hundredth dress.

"No." Kakashi repeated for the hundredth time.

Anko sighed exasperatedly. "Do you really want to go to the competition naked?"

"It would be preferable to wearing any of the dresses you've picked out."

"Well then, do you really want Tsunade to be angry and do whatever she threatened you with to get you to agree to this competition?"

Kakashi sighed. Why did she have to remind him of Tsunade's threat? With a growl he snatched the dress out of the kunoichi's hand and stalked off towards the dressing room.

"And don't put the henge back on." Anko called after him. "We need to see what the dress will look on the real you, since Tsunade won't let you cast a henge during the competition. "

Kakashi growled again.

When he reappeared, Anko eyed him slowly, taking in the fit of the dress, the color, and simply enjoying his humiliation.

"Well?" Kakashi gritted out after a minute had passed and she still hadn't said anything.

"The fit of the dress is good on you, but the color isn't quite right. Let's try to find a Lolita dress in black instead."

* * *

Gai sat on the counter in his bathroom, looking critically at his reflection, then turning his gaze back to the small mountain of makeup he had purchased. If no one would teach him (and he had asked several others with no better luck), then he would just have to teach himself. To this end, he had gone to the store and purchased every type of makeup he could find. He had blush, bronzer, foundation, green mascara, purple eye shadow, crimson lipstick, yellow nail polish, brown eyeliner …

* * *

"I think we have a winner!" Anko proclaimed.

Kakashi sighed in relief. Thank Kami.

"Now we just have to find you a corset."

Kakashi turned to face her, refusal evident in his expression. "No."

"Yes. Or do you want me telling everyone that the great Hatake Kakashi, master of a thousand jutsus, and former Anbu Black Ops member …" her voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper "sleeps with a teddy bear."

Kakashi's death glare was enough of an answer for her.

"C'mon then." She grabbed his arm and started dragging him towards the door, an evil grin plastered across her face.

Kakashi almost whimpered. What was with these crazy women and their blackmail?

* * *

Coming up: it's show time!


	16. drag part 4

Disclaimer: Naruto is the intellectual property of Masashi Kishimoto. Phoenixyfriend gave me the idea for this arc.

* * *

"Kakashi, where are you? Come back here and put on the damned corset!" Anko chased him through the house, skidding around corners until he came to a dead end, since he couldn't fit in the pantry and she almost crashed into him. She shoved the offending item in his face, stepping towards him, cutting off any hope of escape.

Kakashi felt the walls on either side of his back, felt the wall behind his foot. He was trapped. Unconsciously, his heart rate accelerated, adrenaline flooding his system. His eye darted around, calculating escape paths. In that moment, he was less a rational being than a cornered wild animal.

Anko backed up carefully, hands held out in front of her, speaking slowly. "Calm down Kakashi. I'm not going to hurt you. It's just me, Anko, remember?"

Ever so slowly, Kakashi relaxed, muscles unclenching and visible eye returning to its normal half-open state.

"Shit. Sorry, Anko." He looked at the floor, well aware that in his panicked state, he could very well have killed her without his rational mind having any input.

She brushed it off. "It's my fault. I should know better than to corner a shinobi. Now put on the damned corset that started this whole thing."

Giving her an apologetic look like a puppy that's just been spanked with the newspaper, Kakashi headed for the bathroom to change.

"The dress is already in there, but don't put it on until I check that the corset is done up right." Anko called after him.

After a few minutes, Anko began banging on the door. "You've had plenty of time to put that on. Now get your sorry ass out here and let me cinch it up."

Reluctantly, Kakashi came out of the bathroom, still wearing his ninja pants, but wearing nothing but the corset on top. Anko grabbed the laces in back, pulling them tightly.

Kakashi made a strange face at the sensation. The corset wasn't … uncomfortable, exactly. It actually felt like there was a lot of support for his back. But he couldn't take deep breaths anymore. He experimented, taking slow, shallower breaths. He still wasn't happy about the corset, but it could have been worse.

Anko smirked at the sight before her. The corset actually gave Kakashi the appearance of curves. She lightly slapped his ass. "Get going and put on that dress, gorgeous."

Kakashi turned around, eyebrow raised. "Are you … hitting on me?"

"If I was hitting on you, you wouldn't have any doubts that I was."

But Kakashi was fairly sure that her action and words did count as hitting on him. What was that supposed to mean? Whatever. Kakashi rolled his eye and headed for the bathroom again. The stress of shinobi life made each of them strange in their own ways, and Anko was no different. Oh well, he preferred Anko's strange to Gai's. After all, it was Gai's strange that got him in this whole mess in the first place.

* * *

Gai zipped up his dress, and picked up the next item: a long black wig. Carefully, he placed it on top of his bowl cut, and positioned a tiara on top of the wig. Next, picked up the chandelier earrings he had bought and clipped them to his ears. There. All set. Head held proudly, Gai strode out of his house, oblivious to the stares he was receiving.

* * *

Tsunade drummed her fingers impatiently on the table. When were they going to get here? She was desperate to find out how ridiculous they looked in drag. Damn. She wished she had some sake to calm her down. Why did Shizune have to take it all?

* * *

Kakashi, you look great, now get moving already!" Anko half-dragged the resisting copy nin out of the house. "Just remember, if you don't show up, Tsunade will do whatever she threatened you with to get you to agree to do this. And you wouldn't want that, would you?"

Kakashi shook his head vigorously, but still dragged his feet in the dirt.

Anko growled, and yanked harder, almost pulling his arm out of its socket.

* * *

Gai thew open the doors dramatically, holding his thumb up and giving a blinding smile.

The effect was somewhat ruined by the fact that Anko shoved Kakashi into him.

Tsunade hardly noticed, focused on taking in every detail of the costumes. They looked so … was there even a proper word for them? Oh, my. Tsunade's face almost split in half with the force of her evil smirk. Now this was what she had anticipated, but the reality was so much more. It was definitely worth the arm twisting she had to do. This was going to be priceless.

* * *

Coming up: Who wins?

A/N: In the last chapter, Anko threatened to tell everyone that Kakashi sleeps with a teddy bear. I've expanded this into a one-shot about the bear, so look for Kakashi's teddy bear, which will be posted tomorrow.

Also, if anyone has ideas for future competitions, review or PM me


	17. drag part 5

Disclaimer: Naruto still belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. And the idea for the arc still came from phoenixyfriend.

* * *

Tsunade carefully inspected the contestants on the stage. First, there was Gai. His dress was the cut typical of fairy tale princess, and a pastel pink. He had on a long black wig that actually looked fairly natural. And there was a sparkly tiara perched on it. His earrings were probably clip-ons, but at least they weren't obviously so. Those were the good parts of his costume. On the downside, his "shoes" were downright peculiar, and he seemed to have spray painted his ankles as well. And the makeup was off as well. There was too much of it, and apparently he didn't know what matching colors were. Someone really should have told him that green mascara, purple eye shadow, crimson lipstick, lemon yellow nail polish and brown eyeliner didn't go together. And definitely didn't go with a pink dress.

And then there was Kakashi. He hadn't worn a wig, leaving his silver hair in its normal spiky, gravity-defying style. He was still wearing his mask, but with the dress he was wearing, it sort of worked. The dress was mostly black, with a white design swirling up the side and a thin white stripe emphasizing the top of the dress, which extended about an inch up his neck. The dress design in and of itself was fairly simplistic, narrowing a little around the waist and flaring a little at the hem, but there were no frills or ruffles. The shape emphasized his curves. Or the curves that a corset had given him, Tsunade guessed. She would have remembered from his physical if he had had feminine curves then. On his feet were delicate black slippers. He had plain black gloves that hid the masculinity of his hands. It was a lot of black, but Tsunade had to admit that it did set off his pale skin and hair well. Give him a little jewelry and just a touch of makeup (and remove the mask) and he would have made a woman beautiful enough to make Tsunade jealous. She would have been totally surprised at how well Kakashi did if she hadn't seen Anko dragging him around. Now, that kunoichi was good if she could get Kakashi to look like this. Hmm. I wonder, would they make a good couple? Tsunade mentally shook herself out of her reverie. That was a question to ponder (and possible meddle in) at another time. She was supposed to be judging a drag competition.

Hmm. Standing still, Kakashi was winning, but she wondered how they would move, if they would move like men. "I want each of you to walk to the end of the stage and back." Tsunade called. "Gai, you're first."

Gai smiled blindingly and held his thumb up. When the sun spots from his smile finally disappeared from her vision, Tsunade watched him carefully. He walked a little too fast, but he did have a slight swing to his hips that she hadn't expected. She wondered if he had practiced trying to walk like a woman.

"Kakashi, you're up." The silver haired ninja walked across the stage the way he did when on a mission, walking lightly and silently, heels barely touching the floor. But his hips were too straight for him to pass as female, as graceful as his walk was.

Hmm. So, who to pick? Did Gai's superior walk overcome Kakashi's gorgeous look standing still? And would their reactions to the announcement of the winner be funnier if she picked one or the other? Hmm.

She stared at them unblinkingly for long enough that Kakashi began to fidget. Why wouldn't she just announce the winner so that he could ditch the dress, and put this whole humiliating mess behind him? He cleared his throat. "Tsunade-sama."

She arched an eyebrow. "Yes, Kakashi-chan?"

He winced at the feminine honorific. "Have you decided yet?"

Hmm. To torture them more, or not, that was the question. She sighed. She had probably pushed Kakashi about as far as she could. She sighed again. "Hai. The winner is …"

"Who is the youthful victor in our blossoming into the delicate flowering of youthful femininity?" Gai cried, unable to be silent any longer.

Tsunade decided to ignore that sentence, as it didn't make a whole lot of sense,as was to be expected when Gai got excited. "Kakashi." she answered.

Gai's face dropped like a stone. He had worked so _hard_.

Kakashi winced. Great. Not only did he have to enter in a drag competition, but he won. He was never going to live this one down.

Tsunade just smirked, enjoying the disappointed expression on Gai's face and the horrified one on Kakashi's face. This was even more fun than getting drunk on sake, and that was saying something.

Kakashi fled to the dressing rooms, to change back into his normal clothes. He sighed in relief as he shed the dress. There was no way he was ever going to wear one again. He had had quite enough humiliation for a lifetime, thank you very much.

When he came out, expression equal parts murderous and exhausted, Anko came up to him. "Congratulations!"

Kakashi growled.

Anko wisely decided to stop tormenting him (for the moment, at least). "Want to go get a drink to forget the night?"

"Is that even a question?"

"Nope. It was supposed to be rhetorical."

"I don't even care where we go, so long as they serve something strong."

"Funny. I thought you might say that."

* * *

I don't mean to endorse getting drunk to forget things. This is just Kakashi's coping mechanism. Do not try it at home (or at a bar either).

Anyone want to contribute an idea for upcoming challenges?

And any input on whether I should put in a bit of KakaAnko of not?


	18. the scream machine

A/N: As for the KakaAnko thing, I think I am going to go ahead with it, since more people want it than disapprove, and I already kind of set it up, but I won't forget Rin, and I will put the KakaAnko parts with double divider lines above and below them if you want to skip them. The parts I don't set apart can be read as friendship. The challenges between Kakashi and Gai will still be the main focus of the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. And the idea for this challenge came from topsilog00. This challenge will also be a short arc.

* * *

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Kakashi pulled the pillow over his head childishly. He had had enough misery for a long while thanks to the last "challenge." He just wanted to hide for a while and sulk. Whoever was banging on his door could go to hell.

_KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK._

Dammit. Why wouldn't they just go away and let him wallow in self-pity?

_**KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.**_

Now he could hear the door vibrating with every hit. It was probably Gai. Forget it. He was never talking to Gai again. Kakashi stuffed his fingers in his ears.

A minute later, he cautiously took his fingers out of his ears. Thankfully, whoever it was seemed to have given up. Kakashi wriggled further into his bed. His eye started to droop again. Suddenly, he sat bolt upright. Someone was in his apartment.

Silently, he flipped the covers away, setting his feet on the floor and creeping to the door, one hand pulling out a kunai.

As he peered around the corner of his bedroom doorway, he heard a child's whiny cry. He crept around the corner, only to encounter Anko walking down his hallway with a child on her hip, looking like she owned the place.

Kakashi's eye opened fully, and his eyebrow shot up. "What are you doing here, and what is _that_?"

"I'm walking, and this is a child." She replied helpfully, smirking slightly.

Kakashi gritted his teeth. "What are you doing _in my house_ with a _kid_?"

"Oh. The kid is Asuma's. He's going on a mission today, remember? Apparently you owe him one. He was going to drop the kid off at your place, but you wouldn't answer the door, so I offered to break in for him. Well, here's the brat. Asuma will be back in a couple of days. Have fun! Oh, and nice pajamas" she smirked. With that, Anko disappeared with a poof. There was no way _she_ was going to get stuck with the kid.

Kakashi looked down at himself to realize that he hadn't bothered to put on a shirt to sleep in. Then he shook himself. He had better things to think about then whether Anko had liked the view. He glared at the toddler, who was chewing on the corner of his carpet at the moment. What was he supposed to do with a kid? Shouldn't Asuma have left the brat with someone who had experience with kids?

Asuma Jr. kept chewing on the rug, oblivious to his guardian's dilemma.

* * *

One hour later:

_**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**_

Kakashi felt like throwing his hands up in the air in despair. The little brat wouldn't stop crying. He didn't smell a dirty diaper yet (thank kami), and the little monster had just thrown his food across the room, where it dripped slowly down the walls. And the brat was still screaming. At ear-shattering levels.

It was just hopeless. No one should have ever trusted him with a kid. It had only been an hour, and he already was entertaining thoughts of gagging the 'scream machine' as he decided to name it. No one had even told him the brat's name, for kami's sake. So the scream machine it was.

Kakashi bobbed to the side, his ninja skills helping him narrowly avoid being beaned by a bowl chucked with surprising force at his head.

"Listen here. I don't know what your father let you get away with, but _stop it_."

**_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! _**The scream machine continued, not paying the slightest bit of attention.

What was he supposed to do with a kid? Wasn't there someone that he could give the scream machine to? Surely there was someone more suited to parenthood in the village? Right? but who was there to give it to? Most of the people he knew were shinobi, and most of the shinobi didn't have kids. Well then, who could he stick the kid with that might be marginally better than him, or at least not worse? Or who could he coerce into babysitting for him?

A blob of somewhat mushy peas hit him in the head as he was thinking. He turned to glare at the scream machine, who promptly threw his cup at the ninja.

He needed to find someone to take care of the brat for him. And fast. Before his sanity, or what little remained, was destroyed by another blob of half-chewed peas.

* * *

Half an hour later, Kakashi knocked on Gai's door. "Kakashi! My eternal rival! The flames of youth burn bright in you!"

"Whatever. It's my turn to choose a challenge, and it's who can babysit better. Here's the kid." Kakashi shoved the scream machine into his rival's arms. "Have fun!" he called, then disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

He arrived back in his apartment and sighed in relief. He had found someone to pawn the kid off on. Now he just needed a shower to get the mushed peas out of his hair. And scrub the walls of his house. And find a new carpet, one that still had all four corners. And get some new dishes to replace the broken ones. How could one little kid do so much damage in an hour and a half? And better questions, how did their parents' survive?

Asuma was definitely going to owe him one after this.

* * *

Coming up: does Gai do any better at babysitting than Kakashi?


	19. little Gai

A/N: Sorry it took so long to post. 20 hours of work a week plus a full college course load with three lab classes equals no free time.

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah. I don't own Naruto. The idea for this chapter came from topsilog00. Now back to your regular programing:

* * *

Gai hardly noticed the disappearance of his rival. What was Kakashi in comparison to the youthful bundle of joy in his arms?

"Who's a youthful little baby?" he cooed. "Whee!" He cried, tossing the toddler gently into the air. "The power of youth will always prevail!"

* * *

An hour later:

Asuma Jr. was sitting on the floor, happily scribbling on the walls with a permanent marker.

Gai happily held up the tiny green jumpsuit and orange leg warmers that he had just finished sewing. "I have completed the youthful jumpsuit of youth!"

Asuma Jr. bobbed his little head in agreement. "Youf!"

Gai released a blinding smile. "Yes, youth!"

Now time for a bath, and then you can put on the jumpsuit of youth. You must never put on the jumpsuit of youth without taking a bath first." He told the toddler in all seriousness.

"Youf!"

Gai set the child on his shoulder and headed for the bathroom.

He placed the toddler on the floor while he began running the water. "Do you want the great rubber ducky of youth to take a bath with you?"

"Mmmfff." Asuma Jr. mumbled around the corner of the bathroom mat he was chewing on.

Gai tossed the ducky into the water before carefully removing the toddler from the rug and putting him in the water. Asuma Jr. promptly put his face in the water, took a big mouthful of water, then spat it in Gai's face.

"What good aim you have!" Gai cried, not put out in the least. "Good aim is one of the necessary qualities of a youthful ninja. Your father will be so proud of you." He grabbed the shampoo bottle and squirted quite a bit of it on the squirming toddler's head. Of course, half of it ended up everywhere but his head (including the ceiling, somehow), so there wasn't too much in his hair. Gai vigorously rubbed the shampoo into Asuma Jr.'s hair while the toddler chewed on his babysitter's arm. "Are you teething, I wonder?"

Asuma Jr. just kept chewing until Gai finished and tried lifting him out of the water. He promptly began squirming.

"Don't you want to put on the green bodysuit of youth?" Gai asked.

Asuma Jr. grabbed the rubber ducky, then stopped squirming. "Youf!"

"There we go. All dressed." Gai sat back to admire his handiwork. The green jumpsuit and orange leg warmers did look good on the kid, if he did say so himself. Now all he needed was a bowl cut of youth.

"Wait here." Gai ordered his charge as he got up to get a pair of scissors.

"Now hold still, okay?" Gai ordered, as he opened the scissors.

No response.

Gai looked closely at the toddler. He was asleep, thumb in mouth, other hand clutching the rubber ducky.

"I guess that means you'll hold still." Gai smoothed the wet hair down and snipped carefully.

* * *

_KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK._

Kakashi felt the chakra of his visitor carefully. If it was Gai, he wasn't answering the door. He didn't want the kid back. But it wasn't his rival.

"Hello, Asuma." Kakashi opened the door.

"Kakashi. Where is my son?"

"Hmm? Oh, the scream machine?"

Kakashi realized his mistake as Asuma took a fistful of his shirt and pinned the copy nin to the wall. "Where is my son? I don't feel him here."

"Oh, I gave him to Gai."

"What did you do?" Asuma half-yelled.

"I gave him to Gai."

"I'll deal with you once I rescue him." Asuma promised as he took off in the direction of Gai's house.

* * *

_**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**_

"Oh, hello Asuma!" Gai greeted cheerfully, Asuma Jr. sitting on shoulder.

Asuma looked up to see his son dressed in a green bodysuit with orange leg warmers, and sporting a bowl cut.

"What did you do to my son?" Asuma asked dangerously.

Gai seemed a little confused. "I just helped him reach his youthful potential."

"Youf!" Asuma Jr. chorused.

Asuma wanted to beat his head against the door frame. There was a reason he hadn't given his son to Gai to look after. Apparently trusting Kakashi was also a bad idea.

"Well, we had better be going home." Asuma gritted out, reaching for his son.

Gai handed him over with great reluctance. "I can look after him for you on other missions too."

"I'll keep that in mind." Asuma lied. "Now if you'll excuse us, we really have to be going." He hurried away, body instinctively curling slightly around his son to protect him from the influence of the maniac known as Maito Gai, self-proclaimed Noble Blue Beast of Konoha. The first order of business was to change his son's outfit. Second was a haircut, and the third would be to get Kakashi. And Gai. Then he needed to find someone _reasonable_ to look after his son on the next mission. Because there was no way he was trusting either of them with that task again.


	20. Tsunade impressions

Disclaimer: Naruto is the intellectual property of Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

Kakashi was sitting in the lowest branch of a tree, one visible eye opened wide and focused so intently on the page before him that he almost had tunnel vision. He could feel his heart thumping around excitedly in his chest as he gently caressed the title page of his new book. He closed his eye for a moment, inhaling deeply and trying to imprint the memory in his mind forever. Today was the start of something exciting. Today would be his first read of the newest Icha Icha book. He felt like floating away. He had waited so long….

* * *

Elsewhere in Konoha:

Anko chewed on the empty dango skewer. She was bored. There was nothing to do, so it was up to her to make something. Now what should she do? The last time she'd had a lot of fun was when she was watching Kakashi's and Gai's competitions. Hmm. Those were fun. Maybe she should instigate another challenge. Now what would be funny to watch?

* * *

Kakashi's eye flitted across the page, taking in every character of the title with the reverence it deserved. Just as he began to gently lift the paper, ready to savor the first page, his reverie was rudely interrupted. "**MY MOST YOUTHFUL RIVAL!**" Kakashi narrowly managed to avoid dropping his precious Icha Icha in order to use his hands to shield his ears from the assault. His visible eye narrowed, promising a slow, painful, gruesome death to the one who had the audacity (or stupidity) to interrupt his worship of Jiraiya's undeniable genius.

Gai, however was oblivious as ever, as he flashed his blinding smile. "I have had the most youthful idea for our next challenge!"

"Gai." Kakashi's voice was dangerously quiet and calm. The birds in the nearby vicinity fled at the threat contained in that one word. "Go. Away."

Gai continued without seeming to notice that his life was in eminent danger. "We will have a contest to see who can do the best impression of Tsunade! Anko has youthfully agreed to be our judge!"

"No." Kakashi's voice held the slightest growl in it.

"But you cannot deny our youthful challenges!" Gai reached out to give his rival a manly hug of encouragement, but as soon as he blinked he found himself bound to the tree Kakashi had been sitting in and gagged. His rival was nowhere to be seen, and neither was his book.

Anko slowly slipped cautiously through the shadows, her prey blissfully unaware he was being followed. The great Kakashi Hatake was about to lose his pride because of his weakness: Icha Icha. The copy nin settled in another tree, eye glued to the page, gradually losing his awareness of his surroundings as he lost himself in the story. Anko waited patiently (more or less), creeping closer, until with a lunge, she grabbed the book and sped off as fast as she could.

And so Kakashi found himself untying Gai, having agreed to do an impersonation of Tsunade for the entertainment of Anko, who had held a match under his precious, precious book.

* * *

Tsunade tiptoed down the hallway, alert for any sign of Shizune. She had snuck out of her meeting early in search of sake. But for some strange reason, there was a cackling sound coming from her office. Who would be in her office? Getting annoyed, she forgot her reason to sneak and stomped in. Veins popped in her forehead and eyes narrowed dangerously at the sight before her: Gai and Kakashi, the latter looking like he had consumed some of her sake from the bottle that was in his hand judging by the blush on his face, and both had towels stuffed in their shirts mimicking a huge chest, and were waving around bottles of sake and punching the walls. Anko was rolling on the floor, clutching her stomach, tears of laughter pouring down her face.

**YOU TWO!**" Tsunade bellowed at the unlucky ninja who had assumed she was still in her meeting. The whole of Konoha shook in fear at her thundering. No one had ever drunk her sake, made fun of her, and lived to tell the tale.


	21. the dango-crazed kunoichi

A/N: Aren't you proud of me? Two chapters in two days! Anyways, recommendations for challenges are always welcome. My mind isn't crazy enough to come up with endless insanity for this story. Alright, maybe it is, but I prefer to push the nuttier portions to the back of my mind and ignore them, so if you have ideas, they're welcome. The idea for this chapter came from TheGirlWithNoIQ. I obeyed at least half of your command. I posted another chapter soon, but you'll have to decide whether it is great.

Disclaimer: Just in case you forgot, I feel obligated to remind you that if you think I am Masashi Kishimoto and that I own Naruto, you need to get your head checked. This may be a sign that you have delusions and/or serious memory problems. If you show these symptoms, please call your doctor. Thank you. Now onto your regular programming of sleep deprivation-induced peculiarity.

* * *

The shadows were just beginning to recede across the bedroom, slowly fleeing the sunlight creeping around the curtains and across the floor. The stars slowly faded away, washed out be the brilliance of the sun peeking over the horizon. The blankets slowly rose and fell with each breath of the sleeping form beneath them. Early morning stillness radiated from the peaceful scene, only to be shattered by a green jumpsuit-clad lunatic. "**DYNAMIC ENTRY!**"

The kunoichi's eyes flew open, and upon finding her vision filled by a mass of bruises, lumps, and swellings, as well as splinters of wood from the wall that Gai had crashed through, she promptly kicked him through the hole in the wall that he had just created, adding to the injuries that he already had from Tsunade's wrath. "Gai! What the #*%! are you doing?" Her voice dripped venom. Anko has never been, and will never be, a morning person.

Gai, somehow, didn't seem to be put off by being sent flying through what used to be a wall. "Who won our most youthful competition yesterday?"

"Huh?"

"Who did the best impersonation of Tsunade?"

"You destroyed my wall and woke me up at this ungodly hour of the morning to ask me who won?" Anko screamed. Anyone with even the slightest bit of common sense would have been quaking in their shoes; waking her up was a crime almost as serious as taking away her dango.

Gai, showing a sliver of sense for the first time in his life, let his blinding smile falter.

"You want to know who won?" Anko asked dangerously.

Gai nodded his head so vigorously while spouting nonsense about youth that Anko briefly wondered if it was possible for him to shake his head off of his neck.

"First, you're going to have to pay a contractor to fix the wall that you destroyed."

"Of course! I will find the most youthful contractor in Konoha!"

Anko grabbed his arm as he prepared to take off. "I'm not done listing my demands. Secondly I want you to…." Anko's voice trailed off in thought.

"You want me to what?" Gai asked in confusion.

"Give me a minute to think." Hmm. What should she order him to do? What did she want? She wanted dango. "Gai, bring me dango. No, wait. Get Kakashi and use whatever means necessary to convince him that your next competition is to see who can make the best dango. And you both have to wear aprons of my choosing. Go get him, I'll get the aprons."

Gai saluted and sped off in a cloud of dust from the destroyed wall.

Anko smirked. She had just the aprons in mind. Who knew that gag gifts could be so funny.

* * *

Almost an hour later, Gai returned, all but dragging an uncooperative Kakashi, whose lone eye was glaring at both ninja balefully.

Anko smiled evilly and held up two aprons. "Here's yours Kakashi."

The copy nin looked down at the offending piece of material to find that it read 'I'm with stupid' and had an arrow pointing upwards, towards where his head would be if he was wearing it. Just what he had always wanted to wear.

"And one for you, Gai." His was pastel pink, with a huge bow, and read 'Boys are stupider. They should all be sent to Jupiter.'

"Here's my favorite dango recipe. Now make me dango." Anko commanded as she shoved the boys towards the kitchen.

The boys carefully poured over the stained recipe sheet, checking and double checking everything they were doing. They knew better than to serve Anko less-than-perfect dango when she was already in a bad mood. '_There will be time to plan my revenge later_.' Kakashi told himself firmly. And revenge there would be on the dango-crazed kunoichi. Having to wear the stupid apron and make her dango wasn't that bad in and of himself, but he still had to get her back for the dragging him dress shopping before the drag show, dumping Asuma Jr. on him, and for abandoning him to Tsunade's mercy when the Hokage stumbled upon their impersonation competition, and Anko had been the one who came up with that bright idea in the first place. Kakashi simply would not tolerate being humiliated for another's entertainment. Revenge, however, was a dish best served cold, and he would wait for the right moment to strike. But it was coming.


	22. caroling

A/N: Sorry for the wait, but here's a holiday-themed chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Or Genma, Gai, Kakashi, Anko, or any other character mentioned in this chapter.

* * *

Kakashi sighed as he easily dodged the shuriken that came flying from the house in front of him. "I told you this was a bad idea." he said to Gai, projecting over the sound of Anko's screams.

* * *

Earlier that day:

Genma meandered from shop to shop, knowing that he still had to find presents for a few people, but not seeing anything that caught his eye. That was until he caught sight of something that made his eyes bug out of his head: Kakashi wandered the streets of Konoha, his nose for once not buried in Icha Icha. Genma sprang into action, leaping at the copy nin and aiming to press a kunai at the impostor's throat.

Kakashi blinked in surprise as he sensed someone attacking him and jumped back automatically. "Genma, I'm not in the mood to train."

But Genma didn't laugh. His eyes remained glued to his prey, deadly serious intent conveyed in his posture. "Who are you, and what did you do with Kakashi?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you really think that you could infiltrate Konoha that easily? If you were going to come here and impersonate Kakashi to spy on us, you should at least have taken the time to observe him. Then you would have known that Kakashi never walks without his nose in an Icha Icha book."

"Genma, it's me-"

Genma cut him off. "I hope you're going to enjoy your stay at Torture and Interrogation."

Kakashi raised his hitai-ate, revealing his sharingan.

"Your sharingan could just be a Genjutsu."

"Would an impostor know about the noodle and space cockroach incident?"

Genma's eyes narrowed.

"Do you need me bring up the details again to prove that I am me?"

Genma glanced around furtively, looking at all of the people in hearing range. "I thought we had agreed to never mention that again."

"Yes, but I never considered that you might try to take me to Torture and Interrogation because you thought I was an impostor."

"Why weren't you reading your books?"

Kakashi shrugged, pulling his forehead protector back down over his eye. "There are too many people in the streets, doing their last-minute shopping. They kept bumping into me and disrupting my concentration."

"You shouldn't scare people like that."

"And you shouldn't get so drunk that when you go to the noodle shop-" Kakashi was cut off by a hand being clapped over his mouth.

"I told you to never mention that incident again." Genma hissed.

Kakashi just looked at the jounin, expression blank.

Genma fidgeted, uncomfortable with the awkward silence. "So do you have any plans for the holidays?" he finally asked.

"No. Should I?"

"Well, you should think of doing something fun."

Kakashi gazed unblinkingly at Genma, who realized that if he was Kakashi, he probably wouldn't be taking advice about fun from someone who had been involved in _that_ incident. "Um, well, think about it. Oh, look, there's Gai. I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about." And with that, Genma left Kakashi to the mercy of his rival, the unforgettable Maito Gai, who was currently dancing around the tree in the center of the town, singing about the youth of holiday cheer.

"I want to wish you a youthful Christmas

I want to wish you a youthful Christmas

I want to wish you a youthful Christmas

From the bottom of my heart."

Kakashi sighed. "What are you singing Gai?" he asked of the ninja who had left his dance around the tree to try to give his rival a youthful hug.

"I am singing in the youthful spirit of the holidays!"

Kakashi sighed.

"I challenge you to a youthful caroling competition!"

"Hmm." If he couldn't get out of the challenge because Gai would never give it up, at least he could have a little fun with it. "We should sing carols to Anko and have her be the judge." After all, Kakashi still had a bone to pick with the troublesome kunoichi. It was time for some payback. "But we have to do it at the most youthful time."

Gai looked at his rival, eyes shining. Kakashi was never this excited about competitions. "What time?" he asked eagerly.

"3 o'clock in the morning."

Gai nodded his head so vigorously that it was astonishing he didn't break his neck. "That is a youthful hour!"

* * *

Anko smiled in her sleep, delighted to find herself in a land made entirely of dango. She loved this dream. She licked her lips, gazing lovingly at the sweets arrayed endlessly in front of her. She reached down to pick one up, but just as she was about to bite into the morsel, she was rudely awakened. Blinking, she sat bolt upright, kunai already in hand.

"I want to wish you a youthful Christmas

I want to wish you a youthful Christmas…"

She jumped out of bed and stalked to her front door. "Gai, what the #%*! are you doing outside my house at 3 o'clock in the #%*!ing morning singing ?"

But as she stormed out, ready to bury her kunai in the obnoxious ninja who had woken her from her beautiful dream, a pale hand fastened around her wrist, the other hand wrapping around her and settling over her mouth. "Just relax and enjoy the show" Kakashi whispered. She wriggled, but she couldn't do much in her position. Instead, she was forced to listen to the rest of Gai's rendition of I want to wish you a youthful Christmas.

When he was finally done singing, she would have sighed with relief if three still hadn't been a hand clamped firmly over her mouth. Irritated, she tried biting, but the fingerless glove protected his hand. "Just be patient a little longer," he told her, "and I will serenade you."

With those words, and a smirk obscured by his mask, he launched into song.

"Kami rest ye merry ninja

Let nothing ye dismay

For we have drunk sake and now don't even care

That evil ninja may try to take over the Leaf

Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy

Oh tidings of comfort and joy."

"What the #%*! was that?" Anko demanded as soon as Kakashi removed his hand from her mouth. "That wasn't even a Christmas carol."

Kakashi shrugged. "Some of our fellow jounin start singing song versions like those when they're really drunk. So did you enjoy your serenade?"

"Greatly." She bit out sarcastically. "Would you like to hear my song for you, then?" She didn't wait for a response, didn't even pause to smirk at the slight widening of Kakashi's eye.

"Kakashi the red-eyed ninja

Had a very bright orange book

And if you ever saw it,

you would even say it stank

All of the other ninja

Used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Kakashi

forget that he was a pervert

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say,

Kakashi with your book so bad,

Won't you stop being a bad influence

Then all the ninja laughed more

As they shouted out with glee

Kakashi with your porn so bright

You'll go down in history"

"So did you enjoy your serenade?" Anko asked, smirking. "You're going to have to try a little harder than that if you want to get me back. Two can play at this game."


	23. Revenge is a dish best served cold

A/n: I apologize for the long wait for this chapter. [insert excuses that no one will read about being a workaholic college student]. I do not own the Naruto franchise. Without further wait, enjoy the chapter.

* * *

Gai slept peacefully, blissfully unaware of the intruder, the thief in his room. "Sweat for the glory of youth" he mumbled in his sleep. The thief who had frozen when the jōnin started talking returned to his thieving, searching carefully to make sure that he had found every one of the offending articles that Gai had in his possession before slipping out the window and heading on to his next target.

Kakashi's mind was still swirling with ideas on how to get Anko back for the drag show. And the Tsunade impersonation incident. And the dango competition. But eventually he felt his eyes drifting closed.

A silent figure perched on Kakashi's roof waited patiently for the copy-nin to fall asleep, waiting for the perfect moment to enact his own revenge. Taking on another jōnin was no easy matter, but it had to be done. He hadn't spent the last two months idle. He waited another hour to make sure that Kakashi was good and asleep before disarming the alarm on the window and silently sliding it up, dropping to the floor of Kakashi's bathroom. He silently crept to the copy nin's bedroom, every nerve on high alert. He gently blew sleep powder that was in his hand into the jōnin's face. He relaxed slightly as the other man's breathing became deeper and heavier. He brought up his hands, mind fixed solely on the jutsu that Kurenai and Shikamaru had helped him develop, calling for his chakra.

* * *

Gai woke and stretched, loudly proclaiming the youthfulness of the rising sun. Pulling back the covers, he climbed out of bed, already planning his morning warm-up only to stop in surprise. His green jumpsuit, which he always laid out carefully on a chair before going to sleep, was not on the chair. Puzzled, he walked to his closet. All the jumpsuits were missing. Frantically he searched all his secret hiding spaces. They were all gone! All that was left was one piece of paper on his chair.

_Gai,_

_By the time you read this, I will be gone on a month-long_

_classified mission.I have stolen all of your jumpsuits of "youth."_

_I have also bought all the green material in Konoha, and will_

_be buying all of it from the merchants that I will be passing_

_on my way out of Konoha for my mission. Enjoy your month_

_without your beloved jumpsuit. I am burning them all. Think of _

_this as revenge for putting my son into a jumpsuit, giving him a _

_bowl cut and teaching him the word youth. If you ever do so _

_again, I will castrate you._

_Sincerely,_

_Asuma_

_**"NOOOOOOO!"**_

* * *

As soon as Kakashi woke he realized that something was wrong. Something was _very_ wrong. His mind was foggier than it usually was when he woke up, and his body felt strange. Did someone attack him in his sleep? The fogginess felt like the remnant of a sleeping medication. He carefully began to check his body for injuries, only to realize that his body was no longer the same. His chest, once flat except for the outline of muscles, now had two very noticeable curves perched there. Was he in a genjutsu? Was it a henge? He tried to release it, but nothing happened. His eye searched his room, looking for any evidence that someone had been there during the night, and landed on a paper on the table. He stood up, refusing to look at his body, and walked over to pick up the note.

_Kakashi,_

_By the time you read this, I will be gone on a month-long_

_classified mission. Enjoy your new body, for you won't_

_be able to escape from it until I return. Think of this_

_as payback for when I left my child with you and you_

_gave him to Gai to babysit._

_Asuma_

Kakashi's hand clenched. What was he supposed to do with a kid? Didn't Asuma know better than to stick him with a toddler, even as a last resort? And there was no way that he could stay like _this_ for a month-

The blaring of his alarm clock jostled him out of his thoughts, reminding him that he was supposed to meet Tsunade in ten minutes. F***.

* * *

Tsunade tapped her fingers impatiently. She should have told Kakashi that the meeting was an hour earlier than it actually was. Maybe then he would have been on time. If he wasn't here in five minutes…

A hesitant knock on the door came.

Tsunade's brows furrowed. Kakashi didn't knock, and wouldn't be hesitant in knocking. No one else was supposed to be coming. She yanked the door open, only to have her jaw almost hit the floor.

"K-K-Kakashi?"

With that, Genma and Tsume burst into hysterical laughter, dropping to the floor and clutching their sides in their mirth. Aoba just watched quietly.

Kakashi stood miserably in the doorway, bathrobe wrapped tightly around her, arms crossed. None of his shirts would fit over his newly-endowed chest, and none of his pants would fit over his hips now. So the bathrobe had been his only other option than going naked. And he knew that Tsunade would have killed him if he hadn't come. Either killed, or made him wish he was dead.

"Is this a new fashion statement, Kakashi?"

"I assure you it is not. Has Asuma already left?"

Tsunade frowned. "He left hours ago. What does that have to do with your appearance?"

Kakashi rubbed the back of her head nervously. "He dumped me with his kid a couple months ago when he went on a mission, and I dumped the kid on Gai, and apparently Gai made him a jumpsuit, gave him a bowl cut, and taught him to yell about youth. So this was Asuma's revenge."

"And I take it that you can't reverse whatever he did."

"No." Kakashi admitted miserably.

Tsunade opened her mouth to say something else, only to be interrupted by heavy knocking on the door.

Tsunade frowned again. What was it this time?

"Enter."

Two Anbu marched in, dragging a naked Gai between them. "We detained him for public indecency, Tsunade-sama."

"He was running around in this state in the middle of the village, yelling about a 'jumpsuit of youth.'" the other Anbu finished the explanation.

"Gai, you have thirty seconds to explain yourself."

"Asuma stole all my jumpsuits." Gai explained mournfully. "He's going to burn them all." he wailed.

Tsunade threw up her hands in the air. "I've about had it with all of you jōnin. Get out of my sight, all of you! And for kami's sake, put some clothes on, Gai."

* * *

To be continued…


End file.
